Tuesday, 17 February 2009

hatiku luka lagi...

entry ni aku jumpa tadi, dalam blog anak sulung aku ...Lily. Fyi...Lily bekerja part-time di Baskin Robbins, Kuantan, sementara menunggu keputusan SPM nya. entry ini membuatkan hati aku hancur berkecai all over again...

The most beautiful sight.

Baskin Robbins were quiet. Assistant Manager went out, another colleague has not came in for work, so I was all alone at the store. Waiting for the first costumer to spend their cash on ice-cream on a grey cold rainy day.

It has been like this for about a week. No wonder the sales are down low. I expected no customer until lunch hour, thus, I turned on my Samsung mp3 player to kill my boredom.

But far from my expectation, a fine gentleman walked into Baskin with his cute little daughter. As I saw them walking into the store, I instantly snatched my earphones without even bothering to turn off the power of the mp3 player.

"Hello, welcome to Baskin Robins!" I greeted the costumer with the widest grin across my face.

He was carrying his daughter in his right arm and replied my greetings with a smile. He looked very familiar. Yes, I am very sure that I've seen him somewhere, but I just couldn't recall.Since I am a big fan of kids, I quickly offered a test spoon to his daughter and called her "beautiful".

She was indeed beautiful. With big shining eyes, milky white skin, soft shoulder length black hair, she looked like a doll.

"Would you like to try some ice-cream beautiful?"

She was a bit shy and turned to her dad.

He sort of said "There, kakak is asking you" and he kissed her forehead.

The beautiful little girl nodded shyly. So I handed her a spoon of very berry strawberry.
Still, she wants her dad to feed her. So he did. I couldn't help but to stare. It was a beautiful sight. Very beautiful and familiar. The love and affection shown by the daddy. The daughter who was clinging on to her daddy. Just seem too familiar.

"Papa" I muttered out of the blue.

"Excuse me?" that man asked.

I shook my head with embarrassment and apologized. Again, he smiled. As a sign of forgiveness and placed his orders. I was starting to feel a big lump on my throat but I managed to get a hold of myself. After he made the payment, he sat at the seating area in the store and I stood behind the counter. I know it was plain rude to stare but I just couldn't help it.

First, because he has a very adorable daughter and I adore kids more than anything. Then, that gentleman reassembles Papa. My Papa. My beloved Papa. Yes, he looked like Papa. And never before in my whole entire life I met someone who looked so much like him. Furthermore, he was treating his daughter just like papa used to treat me.

My heart felt so heavy but I smiled. I smiled at the sight of Papa and me.After almost 14 years, I get to witnessed the sight of Papa pampering me like a princess. I get to witnessed Papa kissing my forehead. I get to witnessed the sight of Papa caressing my hair although I hardly had any back then. *laugh* I get to witnessed the sight of Papa, again.

About half and hour later, he along with his daughter bid farewell. The store was once again empty and boredom strikes back. I was holding back so hard. Telling myself not to cry. Telling myself to get a strong hold of myself. So I went back to my mp3 player. The mp3 player which I left turned on while I was busy serving the customer. Since it was turned on the whole time, the tracks kept on playing and by the time I put on the earphones, Babyface was singing the chorus of Not Going Nowhere.

Well I'm here to tell you,
you don't have to fear.
Cuz your daddy loves you,
I'm not going nowhere

Then the walls of strength collapse in an instant. My heart felt so heavy and I was choking so hard. So I ran into the storeroom and cried at the corner. Damnit. I cried. Again. But I didn't even know why. I had no idea what brought down my walls of strength.
Was I sad to see someone who looked so much like my Papa but really wasn't him?or Was I glad that I once again get set my naked eyes on the sight of Papa?
Maybe, it was both. Mixed emotions that was caused by one fact. I miss Papa so much.I miss Papa so much, that is why I am sad to see someone who looked so much like him but really wasn't him.I miss Papa so much, that is why I was glad to set my naked eyes on the sight on him once again.
Now, I am certain that it was a sign from The Almighty Allah. A crystal clear sign that Papa remembers me. That Papa is always watching me. That Papa is always near me. That Papa really loves me. *cry*

Papa, I love you too. Thank you so much for coming back. Although it was just for a while. It really made me smile

entah kenapa...entry lily mengingatkan aku kepada entry yang aku tulis sewaktu minggu 'Father's Day tahun lepas...so...aku retrieved entry itu dari blog lama aku, aku baca semula...dan as expected...hati aku luka semula...
Tak ada apa yang aku nak tulis pasal 'father's Day". Untuk anak2 ku, father's day tidak membawa apa2 pengertian...sudah hampir 13 tahun mereka hidup tanpa kehadiran seorang bapa...malah cuma Lily sahaja yang pernah merasai kasih sayang seorang bapa...selama 5 tahun pertama hidupnya. Jamee baru berusia 9 bulan pada waktu itu dan Izat lahir 3 bulan selepas bapanya meninggal...tak mengapalah...they won't miss what they have never had...harap2 begitulah.

Sewaktu aku sedang membelek buku sekolah Izat, aku terjumpa sekeping kad di dalam bukunya. kad yang di buat daripada drawing block, rasa aku yang mereka buat sewaktu pendidikan seni di sekolah. Dihadapan kad itu tertulis perkataan 'Happy Father's Day'...sedih nya hatiku, tuhan saja yang tahu...I could hear my heart breaking...I could not stand the pain.

aku sangka aku sudah cukup kuat untuk menghadapi semua cabaran. apparently not. Tak mengapalah anak2ku. Tabahkan hati, kuatkan semangat...nasibmu dan nasibku begini...biarlah. Memang langit tidak selalu cerah...tapi mendung bukan bererti hujan. Itu aku pasti, seperti aku pasti akan terbitnya matahari esok pagi.

Disaat2 begini, amat senang untuk aku menyalahkan takdir...tapi itu tidak akan mengubah apa2. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself...macam kata Dr House..."so you got hurt...deal with it". Sangat brutal bunyinya...tapi ada kebenarannya. This is my life, if I don't try to make the best of it, who will? Namun, tika begini...aku terasa amat sunyi sekali...

retrieved from: http://nsamsudin.blogspot.com/search/label/experience

aku...hari ini airmata ku bukan untuk aku...