the patung says... BRING IT ON

Salam and good day,

We are fast approaching the end of June,  which means we are now halfway into 2019. In 6 months, it will be 2020, a whole new decade.

So far, 2019 has been an eventful and challenging year for me, physically, mentally and emotionally. How so? Well, that's for me to know, but not for you to find out...lol

Here's a quote for motivation:

So true, Mr Gibran.

I have 3 things to say before venturing into the last 6 months of this decade

If I made you happy ... I'm glad 
If I made you cry ... so sorry
If I made no difference to you ... tough luck

and for the rest of this decade... 3 words... BRING  IT  ON!!!!!!!

there's just too much that time cannot erase
ps: still feeling crappy

Have a nice day.

TERGANGGUKAH...?

Berikutan berita kematian pelakun Robin Williams yang dikaitkan dengan kemurungan... ramai yang mula mengambil serious tentang masalah kemurungan / depression. maka di sini saya kongsikan sedikit tanda2 kemurungan... sila diagnose diri sendiri ya... :-D

Signs of depressions

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

 source: American Institute of mental health

wah... saya rasa semuanya saya ada sedikit terutama part 'overeating' itu... bergantung pada keadaan cuaca dan persekitaran... macam mana niiiiiii... stress pula rasa huhuhu... 

rama-rama putih - 2

aku terjumpa bangkai rama2 putih di tepi kaki meja aku pagi ini...

sedih...

kenapa kau kembali

bukan kah sudah aku katakan

tempatmu bukan disini

kenapa kau kembali...

atau mungkin

kau tidak pernah pergi...

aku...maafkan aku rama-rama putih...

rama-rama putih

khamis: 14.05.09

aku memasuki ofis aku seawal jam 7.50 pagi. terus duduk di kerusi, aku dapati ada seekor rama2 berwarna putih sedang terbang di tepi lampu. kemudian terbang pula mengelilingi aku, sebelum hinggap di dinding dihadapan ku...

bila si rama2 putih ni masuk ke ofis aku...? mungkin sewaktu aku membuka pintu, ia masuk tanpa aku sedari...mencari perlindingan barangkali, kerana di luar masih lagi gerimis....

apa mahu mu wahai rama2 putih? mahu aku ambil gambar mu...ok...diam2 disitu...mahu aku ceritakan tentang hidupku...tentang patung dan tasik indah yang beracun? tentang bayu dan ribut? tentang ombak dan laut? tentang bulan dan pungguk? tapi kau sudah tahu itu semua...

aku kagum melihatmu rama2 putih...walau sayapmu rapuh sekali, kau tetap boleh terbang tinggi...you have the heart of a lion...

tapi tempat mu bukan disini...disini cuma ada sang patung...dan habuk2 kertas, serta udara yang dinyamankan oleh penghawa dingin...tiada bunga-bungaan untuk kau hisap madunya, tiada daun untuk kau bersembunyi, tiada cahaya matahari untuk mengeringkan sayapmu...cuma ada cahaya artificial lampu flourescent...

keluarlah rama2 putih...

bermain lah bersama teman2 mu

jamgan kau risaukan aku...

ceritalah pada teman2mu

ceritalah pada bunga

pada hijau rumput

pada titisan hujan...

tentang sang patung...

pergilah rama2 putih

bawalah impian dan anganku

terbanglah setinggi yang kau mampu

dan lepaskan impian dan angan itu

agar hanyut di bawa angin

jika suatu hari

angin meniup impian dan angan

kembali ke tempat asal

ketahuilah wahai rama2 putih

patung masih tetap disini

tetap berdiri

sentiasa tersenyum...

aku bangun lalu membuka sedikit pintu ofis...dan menyambung kerja ku di meja. lima minit kemudian, aku memandang ke dinding...rama2 putih tiada lagi...

aku...you know I can't fly, on the wings of your love...

makhluk tuhan paling seksi?...

kamulah makhluk tuhan

yang tercipta yang paling seksi

cuma kamu yang bisa

membuatku terus menjerit

lagu ni sentiasa berjaya menghiburkan hati aku....membuat aku ketawa dan tersenyum...

tadi pagi...on the way to work, keluar lagu ni kat radio...dah lama tak dengar...tapi still aku ketawa mendengar liriknya yang propa...ahaha

aku...kau pandai tulis puisi?...confirm sexy....:-D

beyond dumb

IF YOU SAY THAT

SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT

MAKE SURE

YOU'VE GOT A SOLUTION FOR IT...

DUH.......

aku...rasa macam nak bunuh orang je...

wet,wet,wet

pagi Isnin yang basah dan sejuk

aku masih lagi high on caffeine + lack of sleep

and the weather is not helping....huhuhu

aku...masih dalam mode slow-motion...

hatiku luka lagi...

entry ni aku jumpa tadi, dalam blog anak sulung aku ...Lily. Fyi...Lily bekerja part-time di Baskin Robbins, Kuantan, sementara menunggu keputusan SPM nya. entry ini membuatkan hati aku hancur berkecai all over again...

The most beautiful sight.

Baskin Robbins were quiet. Assistant Manager went out, another colleague has not came in for work, so I was all alone at the store. Waiting for the first costumer to spend their cash on ice-cream on a grey cold rainy day.

It has been like this for about a week. No wonder the sales are down low. I expected no customer until lunch hour, thus, I turned on my Samsung mp3 player to kill my boredom.

But far from my expectation, a fine gentleman walked into Baskin with his cute little daughter. As I saw them walking into the store, I instantly snatched my earphones without even bothering to turn off the power of the mp3 player.

"Hello, welcome to Baskin Robins!" I greeted the costumer with the widest grin across my face.

He was carrying his daughter in his right arm and replied my greetings with a smile. He looked very familiar. Yes, I am very sure that I've seen him somewhere, but I just couldn't recall.Since I am a big fan of kids, I quickly offered a test spoon to his daughter and called her "beautiful".

She was indeed beautiful. With big shining eyes, milky white skin, soft shoulder length black hair, she looked like a doll.

"Would you like to try some ice-cream beautiful?"

She was a bit shy and turned to her dad.

He sort of said "There, kakak is asking you" and he kissed her forehead.

The beautiful little girl nodded shyly. So I handed her a spoon of very berry strawberry.
Still, she wants her dad to feed her. So he did. I couldn't help but to stare. It was a beautiful sight. Very beautiful and familiar. The love and affection shown by the daddy. The daughter who was clinging on to her daddy. Just seem too familiar.

"Papa" I muttered out of the blue.

"Excuse me?" that man asked.

I shook my head with embarrassment and apologized. Again, he smiled. As a sign of forgiveness and placed his orders. I was starting to feel a big lump on my throat but I managed to get a hold of myself. After he made the payment, he sat at the seating area in the store and I stood behind the counter. I know it was plain rude to stare but I just couldn't help it.

First, because he has a very adorable daughter and I adore kids more than anything. Then, that gentleman reassembles Papa. My Papa. My beloved Papa. Yes, he looked like Papa. And never before in my whole entire life I met someone who looked so much like him. Furthermore, he was treating his daughter just like papa used to treat me.

My heart felt so heavy but I smiled. I smiled at the sight of Papa and me.After almost 14 years, I get to witnessed the sight of Papa pampering me like a princess. I get to witnessed Papa kissing my forehead. I get to witnessed the sight of Papa caressing my hair although I hardly had any back then. *laugh* I get to witnessed the sight of Papa, again.

About half and hour later, he along with his daughter bid farewell. The store was once again empty and boredom strikes back. I was holding back so hard. Telling myself not to cry. Telling myself to get a strong hold of myself. So I went back to my mp3 player. The mp3 player which I left turned on while I was busy serving the customer. Since it was turned on the whole time, the tracks kept on playing and by the time I put on the earphones, Babyface was singing the chorus of Not Going Nowhere.

Well I'm here to tell you,

you don't have to fear.

Cuz your daddy loves you,

I'm not going nowhere

Then the walls of strength collapse in an instant. My heart felt so heavy and I was choking so hard. So I ran into the storeroom and cried at the corner. Damnit. I cried. Again. But I didn't even know why. I had no idea what brought down my walls of strength.

Was I sad to see someone who looked so much like my Papa but really wasn't him?or Was I glad that I once again get set my naked eyes on the sight of Papa?

Maybe, it was both. Mixed emotions that was caused by one fact. I miss Papa so much.I miss Papa so much, that is why I am sad to see someone who looked so much like him but really wasn't him.I miss Papa so much, that is why I was glad to set my naked eyes on the sight on him once again.

Now, I am certain that it was a sign from The Almighty Allah. A crystal clear sign that Papa remembers me. That Papa is always watching me. That Papa is always near me. That Papa really loves me. *cry*

Papa, I love you too. Thank you so much for coming back. Although it was just for a while. It really made me smile

retrieved from: http://lilycartina.blogspot.com/2009/01/most-beautiful-sight.html

entah kenapa...entry lily mengingatkan aku kepada entry yang aku tulis sewaktu minggu 'Father's Day tahun lepas...so...aku retrieved entry itu dari blog lama aku, aku baca semula...dan as expected...hati aku luka semula...

father's day

Tak ada apa yang aku nak tulis pasal 'father's Day". Untuk anak2 ku, father's day tidak membawa apa2 pengertian...sudah hampir 13 tahun mereka hidup tanpa kehadiran seorang bapa...malah cuma Lily sahaja yang pernah merasai kasih sayang seorang bapa...selama 5 tahun pertama hidupnya. Jamee baru berusia 9 bulan pada waktu itu dan Izat lahir 3 bulan selepas bapanya meninggal...tak mengapalah...they won't miss what they have never had...harap2 begitulah.

Sewaktu aku sedang membelek buku sekolah Izat, aku terjumpa sekeping kad di dalam bukunya. kad yang di buat daripada drawing block, rasa aku yang mereka buat sewaktu pendidikan seni di sekolah. Dihadapan kad itu tertulis perkataan 'Happy Father's Day'...sedih nya hatiku, tuhan saja yang tahu...I could hear my heart breaking...I could not stand the pain.

aku sangka aku sudah cukup kuat untuk menghadapi semua cabaran. apparently not. Tak mengapalah anak2ku. Tabahkan hati, kuatkan semangat...nasibmu dan nasibku begini...biarlah. Memang langit tidak selalu cerah...tapi mendung bukan bererti hujan. Itu aku pasti, seperti aku pasti akan terbitnya matahari esok pagi.

Disaat2 begini, amat senang untuk aku menyalahkan takdir...tapi itu tidak akan mengubah apa2. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself...macam kata Dr House..."so you got hurt...deal with it". Sangat brutal bunyinya...tapi ada kebenarannya. This is my life, if I don't try to make the best of it, who will? Namun, tika begini...aku terasa amat sunyi sekali...

retrieved from: http://nsamsudin.blogspot.com/search/label/experience

aku...hari ini airmata ku bukan untuk aku...

aku kenal diri aku

aku kenal diri aku...

aku tak perlu buktikan apa-apa kepada sesiapa pun.

manic monday

hari ni aku boink...truly madly deeply boink...sebabnya?...kalau aku tahu, takde la aku boink...yang aku tahu, I seemed to have either misplaced my brain or I left it at home...along with what is left of my luck...

mula2, kelas 9am aku terpaksa di batalkan, sebab pintu bilik kuliah terkunci ...30 min kami tunggu, in the end aku cancelled...itu takpe lagi...

on the way pergi lunch dengan remedy dan cactus, keluar pulak lagu 'jujur 'kat hotfm...terus terganggu emosi aku...huhuu...

sampai di tempat makan, aku missed 3 parking spaces...terpaksa la pusing satu blok untuk dapatkan semula tempat tu

after lunch...masa hantar dia orang balik ke KK3, aku terlepas lorong rumah mereka...terpaksa reverse...

aku terlupa lab mana i'm supposed to have my 4pm class at...

dalam lab, aku dapat sms dari maxis mms...you have received a picture message from 6012740xxxx....aku checked...rupanya dari life is a journey...dah lama tak dengar berita dari sahabat aku ni...malangnya tak boleh load...aku dah try pergi www.maxis.com.my/mms tapi tak boleh...sedih...

sekarang students sedang siapkan assessments multimedia mereka...aku?...tunggu 6pm, so that aku boleh balik and drown myself in sorrow...huhuhu

rasa macam nak berlari dan terus berlari dan terus berlari...sampai aku pengsan dan hopefully bila aku terjaga...Monday is gone...

aku...huhuhu...not gonna happen

mirage

When the fantasy has ended...

And all the children gone...

Something good inside me...

Helps me to carry on...